What I Dislike About Webcamming

There is no job on this earth that comes without some criticism from its employees. I'm sure even Jeff Bezos has some aspects of his job that he hates. We all experience things we don't like about our jobs. Of course the goal is, you want to find something in life where the benefits are greater than the disadvantages. With that being said, I love my job as a web cam model. I find there are more benefits than disadvantages. BUT that is not what I'm here to write about it. I'm here to talk shit.

Freeloaders/ and the rude men on cam

Because there is free porn, and because men sexualize women in the real world for free every day, some feel entitled to my services. Sometimes men confuse my services with online dating. Some men feel it is ok to take advantage of my time. I think because my job involves intimacy, vulnerability, and sex that men don't look at it as a service, a real job if I dare to saw. Because don't view my position as a "real job", they don't think they need to spend money. Which I disagree with, obviously. Sharing my body, my sexuality, my mind, my intimacy is a very valuable product. Not to mention there is a supply and demand for it. If there wasn't the adult industry wouldn't exist. I set my prices based on my years of experience, my props (toys, outfits, technology, etc.), my psychological contribution to each individualized show, and the simple fact that I am aware of my worth, so I price it appropriately. I like to use this metaphor when talking about freeloaders: A guy walks into a strip club and goes straight to the bar. He blows off every stripper who approaches him because he only came into the club to have a drink. Yea fuck off... If you want a drink go to a bar. You're in the strip club to see the girls, so pay for their time entertaining you. The same goes for cam models. I'm not free entertainment. Go watch YouTube or twitch if that's what you’re looking for.

I have endless examples of the rude things men have said to me online. I'm at a point now where I am completely bulletproof to the hate. I've been called everything in the book:

• you're nothing

• you have less value than a homeless person

• I hope covid kills you

• you're a whore/ slut/ cunt/ bitch etc.

• you're stupid/ dumb

• your dad doesn't love you

• kill yourself

• fuck you for whatever reason

• your family hates you

• you're ugly because of x, y, z

it all just turns into noise. I use to get really hurt when people would insult me and do their best to ruin my night, but now I just can't find myself to give a fuck. I've realized that when men insult me it's never about me. Telling me that "you're noting!!!!!" only tells me that guy is struggling to find his own purpose in life. Otherwise, why would he feel the need to come into a stranger’s online chat room and say nonsense like that? I have a purpose in life, so I don't feel compelled to do that. If someone calls me "ugly", they're probably just trying to bring me down because they're already below me and know they could never have met in the real world. So instead, they resort to online bullying to give them a sense of superiority. I don't feel the need to call other people ugly because I'm happy myself. This strong mentality didn't happen overnight. I've spent a great deal of time in therapy to learn coping mechanisms for dealing with the brutality of online hate. Because I've been called every name in the book the monster isn't under the bed anymore. I've faced my fears, what else can people really say to me that I haven't heard before? You have two choices: internalize this negative narrative and let them win, OR love yourself enough to drain out the noise.

The money is good but unstable

Money is what makes the gig worth it. However, the money earned is inconsistent. When I say inconsistent I mean, downright volatile. Somedays you'll earn $1000 and others only $100. Because there is no sense of stability and security with money it can be a mental stressor. On my good days, I feel amazing, accomplished, and I'm flying high. When I surpass earning goals I feel this fire under my ass and want my high earning days to be the new standard since I know I can accomplish it. But on the bad days, I get this impending doom feeling which feels like: "they're finally tired of me", "I'm not pretty anymore", "I must be doing something wrong". I know it's not logical to self-deprecate when I'm having a low-earning day. However, because I am my own boss I feel responsible for the money I make every day. When I have a low earning day I can't help but blame myself. I'm sure in other sales jobs people have a certain average earning requirement when they set out goals. To stay sane I have a number that I averagely attain in my head before streaming. As long as meet the minimum in my head anything over is a bonus but anything under makes me feel like shit.

Many people have the assumption that sex work is easy money. But if it was easy money everyone would be doing it. Sex work requires bravery and a special type of entrepreneurship. Webcamming especially is more than just being a pretty face and getting naked online. To really make money you have to get into the customer’s sexual psyche and develop strong communication skills. You have to learn the art of seduction, persuasion, manipulation. Having a pretty face isn't good enough. Like any other job, acquiring more skills and having more experience makes you more money. I have gotten to a place where I have saved enough and I'm living comfortably, but It took me years to do so and it wasn't easy.

The stress it puts on my relationships

It's not every parent’s dream for their daughter to involve herself in the adult entertainment business. Contrary to popular belief, I am close with my parents. But you can imagine there is tension in our relationship because they know about my job as a cam model. Sometimes I think that tension won't fully go away until I put this part of my life behind me. I also think that is why I put a great deal of pressure on myself to make my time in the adult industry "worth it". By writing this blog, pursuing a podcat, investing with my money, pursuing a sex therapy career, and ultimately wanting to publish a book, I am trying to prove my time wasn't wasted to them. In general, I have close relationships with my family members, but when they learn this is a part of who I am there is always some drawback. My family values Christianity, they value maintaining close relationships, and honesty. I have to remind them that I'm still me but this is a faset of me as well and that I am happy with my decisions. Being more honest with my family has been liberating for me, but definitely takes a toll on them. I am blessed however because I do have such a loving family. while they may not ever fully understand why I do cam modeling, they at least try their best to support and accept me. There is tension, yes, but they haven't turned their backs on me. Which is really all I can ask for.

Not only does my job bring stress into the relationships with my family members but also brings some stress in my relationships with my friends. My friends are quicker to accept my lifestyle but there is some distance because they can't fully understand it. I see some pretty insane things online. I've been desensitized to how bad it actually is. Because of this, I feel a bit restricted when I am in a position to open up to my friends and tell them about work. I've tried in the past and I can just see the look of shock and disgust on their face. I understand that my job is not safe for work, and normal civilians would find my job repulsive. I'm still learning to open up to friends I trust and gauge how much I tell them. I want to be able to be vulnerable in friendships and bring the ones I love into my life in a meaningful way, but it's hard when I know a normal day for me is just too much to talk about for them. That is why therapy is a very healthy outlet for me. I am able to tell a professional the more fucked up things and share maybe the funnier things with my friends. I think that is also why sex workers flock to each other for support during rougher days because we really are the only ones who truly understand each other because we are sharing the same experiences.

Finally, there is tension in my dating relationships. There is so much tension in the fact that I am at a point in my life where I am completely turned off by dating and I want to spend at minimum a couple of years being alone. I think having to navigate dating is hard enough. Sifting through endless options, putting trust in people, and being vulnerable over and over again is challenging already. Trying to figure out who will accept me, accept my job, and won't give me ultimatums to quit is just something I don't want to put myself through. I've written a separate post going into greater detail about what it's like to date and be a sex worker. But a quick summarization of that is there is a lot of jealously involved. I'm learning how to navigate this new authenticity with my job being a part of my identity. So for now I just want to eliminate the tensions dating brings and focus on my family and friends.

The Isolation

One of the worse things about working in the adult industry is the isolation. People who have civilian jobs don't understand or really look at my position as a job of equal value to society. Because people have their judgments it's hard to connect and cultivate meaningful relationships. Because people don't look at me as an additive to society I frequently feel defensive and I find any opportunity to prove to people that I deserve respect. This can be unattractive. As I talked about above, maintaining relationships is difficult for me because it always feels like underlying tensions exist. I can't share my day with a friend, my parents don't feel comfortable talking about my job with me, dating is a full-blown nightmare, and most cam model friends I've made are scattered all over the world. On top of social isolation, there is physical isolation. I work from home. So, I don't have people around me to converse with like a traditional civilian job. I am home alone most of the time. Isolation has forced me to be comfortable with myself and my thoughts. I have learned to cope and find ways to self-soothe. Of course, I get lonely and sad sometimes. On the worst days, I feel like a villain in a movie who is just misunderstood. On the best days, I feel proud of myself that I am very strong and can hold my own.

The fucked up things you see online

I would actually appreciate it if men online would stop asking me to share the stories of the craziest things I've seen online. They're. not ready to hear it. I don't think people understand that cam models are sometimes in positions to witness literal crimes online. When I say crimes I mean bestiality, pedophilia, self-harm, hard drug use, conspiring to harm others, disability abuse just to name a few I have personally seen. Shit gets real online, so real in fact we have to make not only reports to the website but reports with the police, and I've known some models to give statements to the FBI. Some of this stuff really fucks us, models, up. I've cried hearing stories of children being abused on the website and cried for the girl who had to see it. I've got anxiety attacks from seeing people harm themselves brutally with no warning on cam. I have felt physically ill when I see vile sexually deviant acts online. What's crazy about all of it, is that you have to carry on to the next show as if nothing ever happened. That's truly a burden. It's a roller coaster of emotions every time I log on. One show is a vanilla mutual masturbation show. The next I'm watching a guy drink an entire cup of his urine. The one after that is a show with a regular, so pretty tame. The next is a therapy session with a former marine telling me about all the people he had to kill while on duty. Next, I'm doing a simple cuck roleplay. The next I'm helping a guy do his makeup because he's transitioning into a woman and is using me to cope. IT'S PURE INSANITY. A wise friend of mine said this: "if you aren't already crazy the job makes you crazy". He correct. Us cam models, us sex workers are all crazy in our own special way. But thank god we have the stomach for this shit, and can still move about the world with grace. Thank god we are able to report and track down these criminals. Thank god, we are able to let people use us as outlets to express their shadow selves. Here's an example: I had a client who wanted to do a taboo roleplay with me. He wanted to pretend he was holding me at gunpoint and forcing me to perform oral sex on him. If I didn't make him cum he was going to blow my head off. He wanted me to make it as real as possible, so cry and act terrified. Well, I did it. I broke down sobbing, I was hyperventilating with fear, I was begging him not to kill me. It got so real for him he said "I thought I would like this but I feel horrible and I need to stop", and he ended the show immediately. I let him live out his shadow desires and he found out how actually fucked up it was. I may have been able to stop him from playing out that situation in real life. If that is my contribution to society then I'll take it in stride.