Dating as a Sex Worker

Dating is frustrating but let's add sex work to the mix

I want to preface this by saying I'm writing based on MY experiences. I would love to talk with other sex workers and listen/learn about their experiences with dating when I get the podcast up and running. But I can only speak for myself here. I am also a lady who likes to date men preferably in my age range (25-28). I say I don't have a type but I most certainly do according to my track record. Finally, I am a romantic person. I love love, there is always room in my life to find and receive love. I want to be someones wife one day, and I do believe that life is worth living when you have a partner to share your experiences with. I also have high standards in relationships because I deal with the tomfoolery of the Internet as a job, so in my personal life I hardly tolerate it. This all might sound surprising because I work with men all day, and see the worst in them sometimes. So how could I still be so receptive to love? Honestly, I don't know either, I'm probably insane or delusional. One thing I can say is, I know a lot of sex worker gals (strippers and cam models), who put up huge emotional walls. I understand them, interacting with the worst kind of men all day can get to you and can distort your perception of dating and love. It can cause you to forget what a good man is. On a daily basis us sex workers have men coming in talking trash about their wives/girlfriends or talking about their female friends, co-workers, and sometimes family members in a pervy/disrespectful ways. We also have men who verbalize the secrets they keep from their wives and girlfriends. It makes us sex workers paranoid about the guys we want to date. Therefore walls are justified for sex workers to put up. Date us with caution..

Like many people, I struggle with dating. Through my experiences I have found that I get 3 reactions when I tell the person I'm interested in that I am a cam model:

First, they say they're ok with it and find it interesting but it eventually eats away at them and the relationship as time goes on. 

I don't blame the guy entirely for this happening, but I will say it does hurt to watch a realtionship deteriorate painfully slow before my eyes. It has taken me years to finally accept and be comfortable with who I am and my choice in work. I don't want to build any relationship on lies because it's not fair to me and it's not fair to the other person. I have no choice but to be honest with dating prospects and only hope they can accept me in a genuine way. Unfortunelty men have fragile egos, internalized misogyny, underlying insecurities, and thend to categorize women rather than look at us as fully realized, complex, human beings just like them. Men can't help but look at me and think I'm selling my body to other men, they think I'm disrepsecting myself, and according to my ex I'm "sharing myself to other men". Which ~I guess~ is fair, I can understand that point of view because it's a deep rooted societal idea about provocative women. However, I see my position as playing a role. As a women I'm sexualized in society anyways. In my mind, beng a sex worker is me taking charge of my own sexuality and monotizing it. Biggie said it in a more simplistic way: "All the honeys gettin' money playing n***** like dummies". But most men really can't accept me as a sex worker because it violates the patriarchy. Alot of men can't help but view their wives and girlfriends as their property, just an extension of themselves, us women belonging to them. I want to be viewed as a partner, an equal, not property.

I recently got out of an almost 4 year relationship. Which is the longest relationship I've ever had, and unfortunely it ended because this person couldn't fully accept me working as a cam model. It really took a toll on my mental health because he would SAY how he accepted and supported me, and "reassured" me that he was ok with my job. However, he would ACT in shady, underhanded ways that demonstrated how much it actually bothered him. He was pretty shady behind my back, seeking emotional security from other girls and he would use sex as a weapon against me. He never refered to my job as a "real job", as if I wasn't making real money, and spending a lot of that real money on him in the form of dinners and expensive gifts. What really got me twisted up the most was that I would get online for work and have men who are spending an arm and leg just for a sliver of my attention, telling me how beautiful I am, and how lucky my boyfriend is to have me. Then I get home and my boyfriend doesn't tell me I'm beautiful, he doesn't want to share intimacy with me, and he doesn't see how desired I am and yet I'm here with him begging for positive affirmation and choosing him time and time again. I felt like I couldn't be myself with my own partner. I couldn't share my day with him. I felt so undesirable in his presence. It caused me alot of pain and confusion.

I was very heartbroken to let that relationship go, but being with someone who doesn't respect me and understand my choices made me extremely anxious and depressed. Dating this person was like having a boyfriend but as a front. I felt like he only wanted me around for status, to make him look good? However, on the inside I felt lonely and disassociated from our relationship. Moving forward if my job scares off a dating prospect, good. I don't want another realtionship where I'm constantly worried about being judged by my own boyfriend. That isn't love, thats emotional terrorism. I have a strong personality, I am confident in myself, and I'm not ashamed of my life. I need someone who is just as strong. I am empowered by my job, it makes me happy, it has given me the financial security to follow through with my goals and I don't think my partner should be treatened by any of those things.

Second, they immediately take me out of the 'girlfriend/serious' category and just sexualize me instead.  

This one is more annoying than it is hurtful. However, it does save me a lot of time because right away I know this kind of guy is a shitty dating option right away. This one really shows a mans true colors and intentions. I've been on a couple of dates now, and even just chatting with random men at bars, and it's really funny to see the switch in the way they treat me when I tell them I'm a cam model. First they'll treat me like a lady and I can see they are putting in an effort to impress me and woo me. Enventually the question pops up, "So what do you do for a living?". Once I tell them what I do for a living, all of a sudden they let their (metaphorical) belly pop out of their pants. They stop trying to woo me, the tone changes away from flirting and plentries and is now focused entirley on sex. They assume we can just cut to the chase and they stop trying to be a gentleman. These guys assume because I am a sex worker that I'm trying to fuck them straight away so they stop treating me like a lady and treat me like meat sack.

Here's a story: I was at a bar a couple of weeks ago with a girlfriend and later on in the night these guys came over to talk with us and get us drinks. I struck up a conversation with one of the guys in the group and it was poliet and fun, and of course he asked me, "so what do you do?". I replied, "I'm a webcam model". IMMEDIATELY after I shared this information he begane to divulge all this unwanted material about how kinky and wild his sex life was and how I should be apart of it. Oh it gets better... After being thoughly creeped out, I leave the bar, and I get a notification on my instagram. He had quickly found me on insta, and proceeded to send me over 10 videos of himself having sex. As if that was suppose to make me horny????

That is just one story, but I think it perfectly captures the point and explains the disrespect I receive just for telling someone about my job.

Third, they make it clear they are not comfortable with it because it goes against their values. They either tell me that or say it by ghosting me. Either way it's fair. 

This one I have no choice but to respect. I am not entitled to a date or sex. This option does not happen often. I have had only one guy tell me in a mature way that this goes against his values and I respected him for saying that to me. But even me, stunning, gorgeous, funny, educated, big ass and heart Stassie Jones has been ghosted here and there. But that's life and we're doing fine.

Fuck buddy situations are different. Me personally I require those situationships to feel a bit more special. More special than work that is, and I verbalize that with people. Like I mentioned earlier, I deal with the tomfoolery and shenanigans of men all day at work. I don't want to deal with it in my personal life, even on the level of just a fuck buddy. I really only get in a FB situation with guys who I have a genuine connection with but we both understand we don't want to date seriously for a variety of reasons. We realized the sex is good but us as a couple would be a mess. I'm an adult, I can assume my FB is seeing other people, I just don't need to know about it. What I do need is to feel special when I'm with them. Truthfully, I know my customers think I'm some freak hoe nymphomaniac, but I don't have a lot men in my life who are steady FBs. By the time I'm done with work for the week, I've made myself cum probably 100 times so I don't want a man to even look in my direction. FBs for me also have a quick expiration dates. I usually have them around just for the sex but usually their personalities don't hold up well enough for me to keep hanging around them. As soon as they come, so they go.

So in sum, that is what dating is like for me. Just as complicated as everyone else, no exception to the rule. Nonetheless, there are countless sex worker gals out there that I know who are in wonderful relationships with men who love and support them and their job. Also A LOT of lesbians out there, which I love because they play these dudes HARD online. I'm exceedingly happy for those gals because everyone deserves love and support in their lives. It also gives me a feeling of security that there are men out there who aren't bothered by their girls working in the adult industry. I think it takes a remarkably secure, confident, and open minded person to date someone in the adult industry. I know there is someone out there for me and I can't wait to meet them one day. But until then..... we are just going to focus on Stassie because she deserves that.

Thanks for reading

If you're a sex worker share your dating stories with me, maybe I can have you on the podcast?

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